Each Day a Battle

The last time I wrote, I was incredibly optimistic. I hadn’t had a panic attack since before I was released from Pine Rest, I was feeling great, I was getting my life back together and feeling hopeful about the future…

Unfortunately, optimism doesn’t last.

And neither does the panic-attack-free zone.

I suspect another big panic attack is in my future. And its name is “Black Friday”.

I won’t lie…I literally cried the day before I worked Black Friday the first time. That’s how scared I was about working on a day I’d spent twenty years basically hearing horror stories about. It’s the one day of the year that a small part of humanity suffers from greed-induced psychosis. I mean, a guy was trampled to death on Black Friday a few years ago…what else can you call it but psychosis?

The reason I’m thinking that I’m heading for another panic attack is to me, Black Friday is all about stress, stress and more stress. Customers at every turn, demanding your attention, demanding your help, demanding questions that you probably don’t have answers for on your second day of work (and your first day in that department–both of which will be happening to me this year)…and poor little you, struggling through a ten-hour shift after ten months of not working and battling panic disorder at the same time. Exciting, isn’t it?

I don’t want this disease to run my life.

I don’t want to come down with agoraphobia because I’m so scared that I’ll have a panic attack every time I step out of the house. (Although I don’t know how that would work out for me, since all my panic attacks seem to happen in the house.)

I want so bad to go back to the way things were. It was one thing when I was diagnosed with acid reflux–there was always a possibility that it was a bacterium that could mimic the symptoms or even an ulcer. But mental illness just is…it never goes away. You can only get it under control and do your best to live with it. (Having been depressed for the last thirteen years, I should know about “living with it”.)

When you’re a little girl, you have big dreams about having a great career, a husband, children and perhaps even fame. You never guess that an illness might come along that makes each day a battle…

Comments are closed.