The Zombie Jesus Issue

I get the idea of “Zombie Jesus”–or at least I think I do. And I can see how it’s amusing…and fits right in with the zombie zeitgeist. But Jesus was definitely not a zombie.

(Since I’m not Christian, let’s call this the “Temperance Brennan defense” instead of the “religious defense”.)


I’m not into zombies, but as far as I know, they:

  1. Have a putrid smell
  2. Have a low intelligence quotient*
  3. Tend to fall apart after about half a dozen steps

Based on what I know of the bible, Jesus didn’t fall apart after a half a dozen steps. Or at all, despite the several days he spent with his followers after rising from the tomb. His intelligence and personality seemed to remain intact and I doubt he stunk any more than anyone else did at that time, owing to the amount of baths they may or may not have taken. (I get the idea that even at that time, Jews were into bathing, especially for purification reasons, so they probably didn’t stink very often.)

And most importantly? Even if zombies were real, I doubt they’d get into the Christian heaven (or any of the paradises of any of the other religions), owing to their unfortunate penchants for cannibalism. And Jesus got zapped back into heaven after he was done with his post-resurrection ministry.



So there we go.






* The exception to this is Camille, from the Sienna Miller movie of the same name. She started falling apart at one point and she may have stunk somewhat, but she retained her intelligence, personality and overall appeal throughout the entire story.

2 responses

  1. Agreed, completely. I refer you to this graphic: Jesus Was Not A Zombie…

    9 Apr 2012 at 1:20 am

  2. @Provence1385 – ROFLThat was beautiful, Ash. 😀

    9 Apr 2012 at 1:26 am