My Unending Addiction

I know I still need to explain “rage!blog”, but I wanted to put this up here before I delete the relevant source blog.

Is there someone out there whom you feel is the worst possible person for you? The epitome of Lady Gaga’s song “Bad Romance”? Chocolate, Chinese, brownies, cookies, Diet Coke and all your other addictions wrapped up together? That’s how I feel about Eric. (Fuck. Cheez-its. I totally forgot about cheez-its. NOM!)

It’s not about the drugs. It’s never been about the drugs. I mean, I’m bleeding crazy for James Remar and he left Aliens because he was too strung out to work. (I’d like to say that I’d like to see Eric’s Celebrity Rehab cycle, but that would just send me headlong into another spiral and I don’t need that.)

It is, however, partially about the marijuana use. I understand the use of cannabis and cannabinoids in pain relief. (Or in the pursuit of pain relief, as the case may be. My dad tried something called “can-chew” and it didn’t work for him.) I understand that it may have medical properties that I haven’t properly explored. But I have my doubts (and apparently my donuts…there go the typos again) about the value of treating clinical depression. Panic disorder, I can certainly see. The only book that I have that covers cannabis sativa is over a dozen years old (Physician’s Desk Reference for Herbs), but the last time I checked the related entry, it said that marijuana was a CNS depressant–precisely what you want for PD, with or without the presentation of agoraphobia. (Klonopin, which I keep for emergencies, is a CNS depressant, but it’s only a C-IV substance–I think marijuana is still a C-I.) Of course, I may be biased. I’ve been getting along happily on celexa for two and a half years (and chocolate, cats and weekly therapy for much longer) and I can’t see any reason why traditional medications shouldn’t work. (I had a friend who has tried every one in the book, but I also wonder if she stayed on them long enough to have any effectiveness, if they were in the proper doses, etc.) Unless and until I see objective, peer-reviewed papers on the use of cannabis sativa for combating clinical, long term depression, I’m ruling it out.

But I’m getting off-track, as I often do.

It wasn’t even about posting a photo to Twitter showing him watching his wife getting a pelvic exam. (Except when it was.) I still cringe when I think about the fact that, given the angle, Eliza must have been the one taking the photo. (They’ve been married for twenty-two years…she has to be as crazy as he is!)

It’s difficult to say what precisely it is that leaves me feeling…well, disgusted is a little too strong of a word for someone for whom you have a tiny, lingering flame that you keep locked up 99.9% of the time. Even if you understood the words I use sometimes…well, I can’t put it into words. That’s entirely the problem.

I have claircognizance and I’m sure it’s primarily something to do with that. Much as they say the human mind is like a computer, that’s not entirely the case. Computers can read binary, CSS, HTML and scads of other things. But when I’m fed information from…Goddess only knows where…I can’t easily define it in English (or even Spanish) terms. All I know is that he’s worse for me than all the addictions I listed above…and I once described him as an oozing pit of slime. (Though on some days, I think that’s an insult to slime!)

So I’ll leave you with a music video…and maybe I’ll explain claircognizance later.

P.S.: I realized as I finished this that this included a nice, inline reference photo, initially. I don't want to look at it every day (TROUBLE!), so I'll just link, instead. 🙂

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