“My Lover, my partner, my life…” revisited
Usually, I save this sort of thing for my books. (I love footnotes and the annotations I've put with them…it's a lot of fun to share the things I was thinking about or secretly meant when I was writing my book.) But this one has quietly been asking me to share it and discuss it on my blog; despite my limited readership.
So we'll revisit "My lover, my partner, my life…" from the upcoming The Collection (I) and I'll discuss it in terms of Kaia–whose voice is used in this piece–and Alexander, to whom she is speaking.
I’ve never found a voice
that calls me out of the darkness
quite the way you do.
I can hear others calling me,
speaking my name…
but none can summon me
I'm finding it a little difficult to figure out what Kaia is trying to say here. (I wrote this seven months ago, which doesn't help.) Seeing "…that calls me out of the darkness" makes me think that I was trying to have her say that Alexander summons her out of the cloud of depression that hangs around her and calls her back into the light, but I'm sure that's not what I meant. (Amazing how a small miswording can change the whole intention of a line or paragraph!)
It could mean exactly that and I'm simply reading the stanza wrong. Based on the rest of the poem, Kaia could be telling Alex that there is someone who is not good for her and enveloping her in a cloud of negativity; in which case Alex is the one who calls her away from the negative person and attempts to get her to lead a different life.
Your angel wings enfold me;
Now there's a bit of imagery that I don't usually use. I'm not sure why, but I'm not keen on transposing wings onto humans (and humanlike beings, in the case of my patroness, Isis) or even using them as a metaphor for freedom. I can see why Kaia would use this as a metaphor for protection, but–knowing Alexander's personality–she could just have easily chosen "your cloak of darkness" or something similar.
I apologize for this sounding like someone else’s work…I’m just not used to explaining my poetry in terms of someone else’s voice.
with the care of my runaway heart.
I have been aching to use the term "runaway heart", so it's appropriate that I gave Kaia those words in this poem. (Of course, every time I think of using it, I end up wondering what it is my heart is running away from…but maybe I sufficiently answer that later on.)
When I had too many toxic nights,
too many lovesick days,
you were there.
You saved me
from being a giggling girl;
you picked me up
when I would play in the lane…
would that car roll down that street
and take me away.
This is the darkness I think I meant for Kaia to be discussing earlier in the poem.
Before Alexander came into her life, Kaia was enamored with Eder, who was very flirty and apparently interested in her, but whom she knew was bad for her. (Hence the "giggling girl" reference.) When Kaia talks about being like a little girl who is kidnapped when she is playing in her neighborhood, she's referring to the bad romantic decisions she makes while she's infatuated with Eder. Instead of the luxury car stopping to scoop up Kaia and take her away to a life of decadence and regret, Alex comes by in his proverbial car and takes her home (or at least back to his place) and safety.
But still I find
that I have to close my eyes
to touch you.
that you were never really there.
This would probably be a good time to explain a sort of prophecy that has been made about Kaia.
Starting around age nineteen, psychics, empaths and readers of all sorts began to tell her that she would have two children–a boy and a girl, with her son being the firstborn. Kaia had difficulty accepting the prophecy, as she only ever wanted a daughter; but, growing older, she realized that there was nothing indicating that she couldn't put her son up for adoption or at least give him to his father to be reared. She has since accepted this prophecy and feels that the Universe is telling her that Alexander is supposed to be the father of her son.
The poem, then, is Kaia telling Alex how she feels about him. However, in this stanza, Kaia is admitting to the reader that she and Alex have yet to meet–any feelings of love or protection are simply in her mind's eye.
There is no love between us;
there never will be.
when I probe the depths of my soul,
the long rays of my feelings,
there’s something inexpressible there.
I want to tell you I love you,
I worry that it would be a lie.
Despite conceiving a child together, Kaia doesn't believe that there will be much romance between the two of them–even though she's starting to feel differently by this point in the poem. When this poem was written, Kaia felt that she and Alexander would have a romance just long enough to conceive, carry the boy to term and then they'd part. However, since writing this poem, I've joined the two of them with Nicholas to form a polyamorous relationship and I think Kaia would be more open to a lengthy relationship, should their personalities hold and the gods provide.
I can never have you,
never hold you
the way I want.
I debated whether to attach this to the last part and just make it into a separate paragraph, but I believe Kaia is after an entirely different thought here.
You see, despite the prophecy (and Kaia's intuition holding steady on the fact that said prophecy is true), Alex is married. (Or was married, before becoming canon.) I'm not sure if that's what Kaia is meant to be referring to here or if it's simply another reference to "I dare not love you".
Oh. And Kaia is a Capricorn while Alex is a Gemini. Another difficulty, if you believe (as I do) that astrology is terrible at the future but fantastic at personalities.
I can commit my words to paper,
write stories in my mind;
but they will never convey
what I must always leave unsaid.
I think Kaia is deviating a little bit here, not saying so much that, "I can't tell you how I truly feel, because I'm worried your wife will find out"; but more, "If I tell you how I feel, you'll think I'm crazy."
You see, before Alex was in the canon where Kaia resides (and it really is a mixed up sort of place, at this point), he had a position of prominence that Kaia felt that she could not reach up to. If it were an issue of one gentleman and one gentlewoman, perhaps Kaia's feelings–however passionate–would not cause her to be seen as…let's say "an unwelcome shadow"; it would be two people seeing eye-to-eye. Now, of course, Alexander de la Diosa is established in a polyamorous relationship with Kaia Everhart (as her lover), so it's quite a bit different.
when I find myself alone in your arms
that will be the end.
We're back to Kaia's feeling that her relationship with Alex wasn't meant to last long. Here, she's saying that she feels that there won't be any great fanfare to end their relationship; she'll simply realize one day that she doesn't love him anymore and that will be the end.
Interesting poem, isn't it? Or is it a secret message, cloaked in terms of a fictional world, so that only the poet and the recipient know what it's supposed to mean?
That's up to you to decide…