When a Writer No Longer Loves You

I gather this went viral in January when Drake posted it. Amazing that it took four years for Mik Everett's work to become famous.


Lots of things might happen. That's the thing about writers. They're unpredictable. They might bring you eggs in bed for breakfast, or they might all but ignore you for days. They might bring you eggs in bed at three in the morning. Or they might wake you up for sex at three in the morning. Or make love at four in the afternoon. They might not sleep at all. Or they might sleep right through the alarm and forget to get you up for work. Or call you home from work to kill a spider. Or refuse to speak to you after finding out you've never seen To Kill a Mockingbird. Or spend the last of the rent money on five kinds of soap. Or sell your textbooks for cash halfway through the semester. Or leave you love notes in your pockets. Or wash you pants with Post-It notes in the pockets so your laundry comes out covered in bits of wet paper. They might cry if the Post-It notes are unread all over your pants. Its an unpredictable life. 

But what happens if a writer falls in love with you? 

This is a little more predictable. You will find your hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant around the neck of someone at a bus stop in a short story. Your favorite shoes will mysteriously disappear, and show up in a poem. The watch you always wear, the watch you own but never wear, the fact that you've never worn a watch: they suddenly belong to characters you've never known. And yet they're you. They're not you; they're someone else entirely, but they toss their hair like you. They use the same colloquialisms as you. They scratch their nose when they lie like you. Sometimes they will be narrators; sometimes protagonists, sometimes villains. Sometimes they will be nobodies, an unimportant, static prop. This might amuse you at first. Or confuse you. You might be bewildered when books turn into mirrors. You might try to see yourself how your beloved writer sees you when you read a poem about someone who has your middle name or prose about someone who has never seen To Kill a Mockingbird. These poems and novels and short stories, they will scatter into the wind. You will wonder if you're wandering through the pages of some story you've never even read. There's no way to know. And no way to erase it. Even if you leave, a part of you will always be left behind. 

If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.


I never thought I might have to counter it…

If a writer no longer loves you,
you might as well grab your cloak and go.
Grab your wife, pack up your life…
flee before darkness falls.

If a writer no longer loves you,
you might find your neck to the sword.
For every tear that falls,
it will be another bullet in someone’s heart.
No longer will you grace her stage,
no more your affectionate nickname on her dedication page.

Every moment you linger
will make another heartbeat
that much harder to forgive.
If she sees you while she’s rearranging her life…
well, that’s it.
It won’t just be the keys to her heart
and your ducal crown;
you might as well climb the Tower of London
and never, ever, come down.

You’ll find your characters swiftly dead;
your avatars, as if they were never there at all.
Your fictional romance will be shot full of holes,
any marriage terminated with one swift call.

If a writer no longer loves you,
if you broke her heart…
she’ll anoint another man her muse
and you’ll forever be apart.

I was already thinking of swapping Stana Katic for Mariska Harigtay and making Emily Blunt's character more important (thereby saving Sandra Bullock, my other favorite gal)…maybe Jason Isaacs in for Jack Coleman…


…it wouldn't be all that hard to take my former sweetheart out of the mix forever…


*The rule I'm playing by is "if you love them, they might die". That's why my team is made up of people I'm quite fond of, but someone I'm "all up in knots for" (like Dominic West–but he's staying in because I can't bear for my character to be fighting her way through this thing without him) won't appear at all.

(I'm really, really arguing about Stana with myself, though…I'd love to see her fighting side-by-side with Esai Morales.)

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