DVDs That Live in the Back of the Drawer
Or: Guilty Pleasures, I Have a Few
My friends Calliopunk and Sporadatak (of the now-defunct Gone Catawampus) are probably the first to admit it (besides me); but there are things that lurk in the back of our DVD drawers (or shelves or whatever) that we don’t watch too often. Guilty pleasures, maybe.
I don’t know what’s going to come out of the back of their drawers (do I want to know? hee hee), but here’s what you can find in mine…
I guess there’s a semi-famous movie with this title, but the one I’m talking about is the 2008 Weirdness Champion, starring Sienna Miller and James Franco.
(If there is one weirder, I don’t want to know about it!)
It is so weird that even a funeral director told me it was weird when I summarized it for her!
Habitual offender Silas (James Franco) is in jail and the only way he can get out is marrying the sheriff’s niece, Camille. After a shotgun wedding (pretty well literally), Silas and Camille take off for Niagara Falls for a honeymoon, only to wind up in a deadly accident.
Camille doesn’t die, because love turns her into a sort of zombie. Unfortunately, Silas has already told the authorities that he killed her, so they continue to Niagara Falls as they’re chased by police. Along the way, they meet Cowboy Bob (David Carradine, in one of his final roles), who helps Silas steal a wig and some formaldehyde–the latter for sponge-baths to keep Camille from falling apart.
I won’t tell you how it ends, but they get to Niagara Falls (more or less safely) and Camille isn’t the only one who ends up a “love zombie”.
A number of years ago (possibly even as far back as 2009), Jack Coleman was a guest blogger on Television Without Pity. (I wish I could find a link, but–like TWoP–it’s lost to the annals of the internet.) One day, he opted to tell us about the worst movie he ever did…and then told us we should never watch it.
You know, when you have a core group of women squeeing about you on the message boards (shameless ones…ones that even dared to send me pictures of Jack in bondage!), telling them not to watch a movie is probably the last thing you want to do.
I guess he was so bored with the filming (or worn out, however you want to look at it), that he actually fell asleep during a scene!
There is something worse than falling asleep during a scene and nobody noticing.
It’s called falling asleep with no one noticing while in bondage!
That’s right…he may actually be asleep in this screenie!
I–like all the other naughties–ran out and got a copy, so now it’s plot time! (I’ve actually seen this more than Camille, so it may be my number one guilty pleasure.)
Melanie (Talia Shire) thinks her husband is cheating on her, so she poisons him with seafood and he dies of anaphylaxis. About this time, she inherits the management of an apartment building from an aunt and decides to move in. Not too long after her arrival, she spots Patrick Forman (Jack) and decides she has to be his. Unfortunately for Patrick, Melanie is insane stalker type, so she takes out everyone between him and her and even puts him into a special, extra large apartment that she engineered to spy on him! If that wasn’t enough, she interviews his ex to find out his favorites so she can put together a trap–and then forces the ex to commit suicide.
It’s probably no surprise to you to hear that Melanie doesn’t get her man in the end; but it sure is kind of fun watching the batshit crazy way she gets there!
Don’t say I can’t start this one with evil laughter. If you’ve seen “No Way Out I/II” (Criminal Minds episodes from season two), you know very well I can start this section with evil laughter and I’d be well advised to do so!
In case you’re not familiar with the episodes (or the show), the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI (which is real, by the way; though surely not filled with supervisory special agents, as they’re supervisors, for the sake of the Goddess!) has spent the last ten seasons crisscrossing the country, searching for serial killers and other foul creatures. In NWO, Jason Gideon (Mandy Patinkin, left, borrowing the first name of one of his sons) goes head to head with the sadistic Frank Brietkopf (the ever fantastic KC, to the right), who enjoys cruising the I-80, dosing women with Ketamine and cutting them up into tiny pieces in their paralysis. (This, of course, gave fans endless hours of delight when KC joined the FBI in Dexter, hunting the exact same type of person he once played!)
What makes NWO worthy of the Weirdos Gallery? Not the love suicide at the end of the second episode–that’s perfectly normal in Japan. (Their fairytales have always eschewed “and they lived happily ever after” for “and they committed love suicide”.) No, it’s that a psychopath like Frank could fall in love in the first place!
Many years ago, when Frank was first starting out, he encountered Jane (no surname given–Amy Madigan) on the side of the road somewhere near Golconda, Nevada, went to kill her and fell in love instead. As time passed, Jane earned the moniker “Crazy Jane” not because she’d fallen in love with a serial killer, but because she thought Frank was an alien! (Oh and probably because she carried around a keychain whistle that turned out to be made of human ribs. Not to mention the mobiles hanging outside of her house, made of the same.)
There’s really more involved than I can explain; but if you get a chance to watch, do…you’ll know what I mean when I say, “Watch out for those strawberry milkshakes…they’re dangerous!” 😉 (Also, KC is actually left-handed and it’s not the character…I actually shuffled through multiple Dexter episodes until I found him writing so I could compare.)
The real Gideon!
(I can hear my auntie saying, “Such a nice boy!” in her best Jewish Mother Voice. *giggle*)
After all the love I’ve given this movie/miniseries, you’re probably surprised to discover it lives in the back with the members of the Weird Committee…but that’s what happens when your love breaks up with you.
…it’s also what happens when a Pagan buys a super-Christian movie and realizes it doesn’t have a place with the rest of her stuff; especially when The Craft is one of her longtime favorites.
Somewhere between “amazing” and “frightening” is the realisation that most self-proclaimed Whovians don’t know that there was a Doctor Who television movie in 1996.
Less that The Master was played by an American and took place in San Francisco.
Lesser yet (“even more less”?) that said Master was played by Julia Roberts’s brother, AKA: My Pet Weirdo. (*cackle*)
I have my long time on-and-off crush on Eric to blame for this one. 😀
The story goes that the Daleks have finally executed The Master (who will hereon be referred to as Koschei, since that’s been mentioned as a possible birth name) and–having run out of his alloted thirteen regenerations–Koschei persuades The Doctor to take him back to Gallifrey for…burial? (You’ll see why I’m having a hard time with this idea in a second.)
Trouble is, the little chest Doc places Koschei’s…ah…slime (there’s the burial problem)…is not safe against the latter’s magick, so Koschei escapes the chest, makes the TARDIS malfunction and the two of them crash-land on Earth. Upon leaving the TARDIS, Doc gets caught in the crossfire of a small gang melee and his body is killed. This “minor distraction” allows the slime to leave the TARDIS and jump on board a paramedic’s body, played by Trouble–and thereby easily explaining why there is an American Koschei.
If you’re not interested yet, may I offer: Koschei kills his real life wife…? 😀
Any other time, I’d be able to find him 30 seconds after he strangled her…
…guess I’ll have to settle for 30 before…
The Doctor regenerates and asks a San Francisco cardiologist to help him track Koschei, who’s trying to get some…something (I forget what) to enable him to regenerate and/or live forever, since Trouble’s body won’t last through the duration of the movie.
Car chases, asskicking…stuff like that. Oh and a huge NYE countdown, since it’s time for the millennium–despite the movie being done in 1996.
It’s just easier to watch the movie.
Or read the book, if you can get ahold of the novelisation.
Long before the buzz that was My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, there was this stereotype-laden mess that would probably make the Romanichal on that show go, “Whoa! What the hell is this?“
Before we get started, though, do you recognize the young punk to your left?
How about Baby Trouble? 😀
…how about, partway through the movie, Baby Trouble sings? (So funny!)
The movie opens with Trouble’s grandfathers debating on whether Rose (his mother – Susan Sarandon) should marry Groffo (his father – Judd Hirsch). Rose’s father says no, but Groffo’s father is Zharko, “King of the Gypsies”; so when the king doesn’t get his way, he steals Rose from her family and forces her into marriage.
Two stereotypes there. One, that Romani have royals. That was tried once…in the forties, I think…but the brothers that did it couldn’t quit usurping the throne. (Even if they had all agreed on one brother, I doubt it would stick for very long, as Romani are very free-willed people.) The second is bride thievery. That used to happen once upon a time, if I remember correctly, but it’s considered bog standard kidnapping nowadays.
Anyway, the story goes on with Trouble’s character, Dave and his sister, Tita (played by a very young Brooke Shields) growing up. Eventually, Dave decides he’s tired of the Romani life and his abusive father and leaves the family. (Where he becomes a singing waiter at an Italian restaurant. No kidding!)
Unfortunately for Dave, Grandpa King was never too young to begin with, so there comes a point when King Zharko gets sick and calls Dave to his bedside. Even if this movie wasn’t so arse-loaded with stereotypes and cliches, you could see this one coming.
Prince Groffo is too abusive and nasty in general to inherit the proverbial throne, so Dave is given the ring and medallion that essentially bestows the crown on his twenty-something head.
And Pop freaks out.
No one else minds–not even Grandma, the newly-created Dowager Queen Rachel.
But Daddy is horribly angry, to the point where he tries to kill Dave to get the crown and Tita dies in the process. (Poor, sweet Baby Brooke! 😦 )
I won’t tell you who lives and who dies; but suffice it to say, the man left standing throws the medallion and ring into the vault with the late king’s body, thereby dissolving the tribe. (Or so he thinks.)
So many times, I wrap up an entry with a favorite song or one that ties in with the entry I just wrote; but the video ends up being rather weird, as I’ve never seen it until right before I opt to use the song in my post. This time, it’s completely normal–“I Believe in Love” (Lily Collins) from Mirror, Mirror–but there are three things I want you to know before pressing play.
- The protagonist (and vocalist for this song) is Lily Collins, daughter of singer Phil. Her first major movie appearance was The Blind Side, where she played Sandy’s daughter (also named Collins…go figure.)
- An American movie with an Indian song? Well, I’ve never double-checked, but given that the director was Tarsem Singh (who is Indian) and that Bollywood is famous for its big movie-closing dance scenes, I’m fairly certain this song is meant to be exactly that. (The big dance scene is one reason I would love to be the token white girl in a Bollywood movie. WEE!)
- Julia Roberts’s big sister is in this movie! Lisa (who is the middle child) frequently has bit parts in Julia’s movies, but in this case, she actually functioned as her sister’s double. Instead of using CGI for the bits where the Evil Queen was talking to her reflection (or in one scene, where I believe the queen is sitting in a chair, but the mirror is talking), they actually made Lisa up and had her do the part instead. (Lisa occasionally has cameos on her own…she appears during Miranda’s baby shower as a guest [on Sex and the City]…and since that was a Jamie ep, I’m wondering if they’ve met. Hmm…)
Gratuitous sister pic!
Go! Watch! HAVE FUN!