Theatrical Rant

Wednesday night, I auditioned for a local production of Dracula. Friday afternoon, I got a call that they weren't going to use me.

Honestly, I couldn't get the director off the phone fast enough. Evidently, he couldn't understand that I don't want to chitty-chat after I get rejected, I just want to hang up and get on with my life

Other than pointing out over the weekend (via FB) that I hope they chose more gender-balanced productions in the future and that I wouldn't bother them with my mediocrity in the future, I didn't say much. (The director claimed that it had nothing to do with whether someone was mediocre or good, but what kind of chemistry, age range, etc.)

So then the cast list comes out today.

I knew Ms. Prima Donna was going to get a role–the whole reason I nicknamed her as such was because she has a performing arts degree. (I chose that because it means "first lady" whereas "diva" tends to mean "snooty", which she was not.) They cast her as the maid.

They made up a part for Mina Harker, who isn't even in this version. (They're using the 1924 edition, from which the movie was based.) She's supposed to be dead already, so there wasn't even a chance to read for the role.

They cast the guy who read the role of the attendant opposite me as Dracula; which is a total shame, because he already had a Cockney accent going–which the role needs–and they had a black guy with a James Earl Jones-ish voice that would've been perfect! (I don't know if they even used him, because I couldn't remember his name to match with it on the list.) (And I know it's "racist" to specify someone's race, but not to say "white" everywhere else, but that's how I talk.)

The greatest sin wasn't the fact that they had another guy who kind of had a Van Helsing-type voice going on when he read the part. (Again, I don't know if they gave him another role.)

It's that in their quest for balance, they turned it into Abigail Van Helsing and gave it to the director's wife, who is already supposed to be behind the scenes as an acting coach.

YOU MADE THE BIGGEST SUPPORTING ROLE IN THE WHOLE PLAY A WOMAN AND YOU GAVE IT TO YOUR WIFE?!?!?! YOU UNPROFESSIONAL LITTLE ASSHOLE!!!

Honestly, I don't care that it was a gender-change; even if they wasted the other guy. It's the nepotism that kills me.

 

I was willing to go back if they ever did Phantom or Midsummer Night's Dream, but that's the dick move to end all dick moves.

NEVER AGAIN!

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