After Months of Unrest, Peace Finally Returns to Washington
Mira Ame, ZNN Lead Anchor
Just when it seemed like the military government was going to be seated indefinitely, Governor General Oficial Inteligente announced this afternoon that the United States will shortly have a familiar face at the helm.
"I'm pleased to announce that former president Barack Obama has agreed to come back and be the first King of America," said the governor. "Details are still being worked out at this point, but a coronation date has been tentatively set for June 22."
Equally shocking, perhaps, is that the Bidens will not be returning to provide a balance to the rule of King Barack and Queen Michelle.
"I'm told Jill and Joe want a nice, quiet retirement," Inteligente replied when pressed. "His Grace would like to see Joe on his privy council, but after all he's done for this country, the king will almost certainly honor his best friend's request.
"They won't be able to slip quietly off into the darkness, however," the governor warned. "Don't be surprised if they're ennobled as Lord and Lady Biden, the Duke and Duchess of Virginia, or some such."
That, of course, wasn't enough for me; so I went to my favorite source–a DC insider–who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Mira Ame: Many of my readers are excited at the idea that the previous administration is finally going to be punished for aiding and abetting a known traitor. How long do you think we'll have to wait before we see King Barack bring them to trial?
DC Insider: Longer than you might like, I'm afraid. The Joint Chiefs of Staff held onto the "Dictator Who Must Not Be Named" so that His Majesty could deal with him as he pleased. Look for General Inteligente and the others to direct the king's attention toward sentencing the Dictator as soon as possible.
MA: Is there any concern that the Dictator won't get a fair trial, or has that notion fallen by the wayside after he tried to sell the country to Russia?
DCI: As you may remember from his presidency, King Barack is a very fair man, so I imagine he'll abide by federal law. The problem I see there, however, is that the Dictator is entitled to a jury of his peers–and a jury of wealthy white men is likely to favor the Dictator and his policies.
MA: If you were in the king's position, how would you deal with that?
DCI: I would send him to the Court of International Crimes in the Netherlands. Trying people in The Hague has traditionally been reserved for war criminals; however, I don't believe he can get a neutral trial anywhere else.
MA: Is there anything we should be concerned about as the country transitions to a monarchy?
DCI: There are going to be a lot of drastic changes to the Constitution in order to put this through, including a convention in each state lasting long enough to ratify everything. The only readers of yours that have to worry are those that are serving in Congress–I expect their veto powers will be put on hold for a time to prevent any Republicans from trying to get revenge on their new king.
MA: How long?
DCI: Maybe six months? (He shakes his head.) Believe me when I say that the military isn't going to allow anything drastic to stick around very long. I haven't had a chance to talk to General Inteligente's aide this week, but I believe she and the other Joint Chiefs want this monarchy to run as close to the presidency as possible–just with a few tweaks here and there. If King Barack steps out of line, the military government will be right on his ass, ready to take him down if necessary.
MA: What about those who gave up their citizenship in the wake of the Dictator ascending to power? Will they be welcomed back and forgiven their change of allegiance?
DCI: Some have already applied to return, or at least to become dual citizens. I have a friend who said that one application caught her eye…I can't remember what she said the name was, but he played Dexter's dad?
MA: Oh, James Remar! I didn't know he moved.
DCI: My understanding is that he left for Ireland to remarry and never came back. I think his wife may be an academic of some sort, because my friend said that his application was to be processed immediately, but there was about an eight month hold on hers.
MA: Do you think his celebrity status will bring him an advantage?
DCI: I'm glad we're speaking on the condition of anonymity, Mira, because to be completely honest, being a character actor doesn't get you anywhere. (And we both know Mr. Remar's publicist would have my ass for that–if she knew who I was!) With a guy like him, most people say, "WHO?" when you bring up his name. Now if you had someone like Johnny Depp–who lives in France, remember–he's a big name and he has been for years. If I were a bigshot, I would definitely prioritize his application for reinstatement because having him be the first one in would make me and my department look very good.
MA: I didn't know Depp had given up his citizenship.
After that, I couldn't get any more out of him on the subject of King Barack–or what the new Mrs. Remar's request for delay on her citizenship reinstatement had to do with her being an academic.
I'll be back in DC in the coming weeks to get the scoop on the coronation plans and some exclusive interviews with Malia's classmates on how they feel about her becoming a princess.
Until then, watch this space!
Turn the page for an exclusive on what would happen if the Dictator escaped federal custody–and which countries don't have extradition treaties with the Kingdom of America!