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T-25 Days!

I am so not ready for this…

When I had this made in 2010, I said that there was no way I’d ever have Jamie “autograph himself”…I’d be too embarrassed, it would be too awkward, etcetera. Yet here I am, planning to let this little guy stow away on the plane with me…and wondering if Jamie is going to think I’m a psycho stalker chick (and maybe go the way of my former Grey-Eyed Monster).

I haven’t been blogging much lately, which means I haven’t said anything. Which means you have no clue that I’m talking about the fact that I’m leaving for Cleveland next month…or that I’m taking the risk of dissolving into teeny, tiny pieces in front of my Hollywood crush/muse/whatever the hell he is at this point. (There’s more to my fear than that, but I can’t elaborate…at least for now.)

When I got disability back in October, I made up my mind that as soon as I saw an announcement for whatever convention Jamie was at in 2017, I’d go. I’m guessing it was probably less than a month after that that I heard he was going to Wizard World Cleveland, but I was still searching for a car, so I put it off–at least to the point of sending a little prayer out into the Universe and saying, “If You give me a car payment, I’ll stay home.” Didn’t matter that I could probably afford the trip anyway–this was fear talking.

So when the government graciously gave me my back SSI in a lump sum, I had a joint stunned moment of, “I’M GETTING A CAR!” and, “I’m going to Cleveland, aren’t I?”

 

Fast forward to today…Wizard World New Orleans is over. Wizard World Portland ended at 7p today [my time] (assuming it’s running the same hours)…which means that there’s less than a month until Wizard World Cleveland. YIKES!

My packing list is ready. I’ve been booked for flight, hotel and con tickets since December. I have one shirt purchased, one shirt that needs to come back in a slightly bigger size, and one shirt that I’m having custom made. (No Dexter or Mortal Kombat shirts–I decided I didn’t want to be “that kind of fan”.) I’ve already made a list of things to do in my spare time, or if I get bored with the con before the end of the weekend (“spare time” means “from the time I wake up Friday until the doors open at 5p”). A few days ago, I looked at restaurants near my hotel, so I had an idea of whether I should walk, Uber, or pray for delivery. (I’m staying about twenty minutes away from the convention center, so I’m not even in Cleveland proper.) The only things I can’t buy in a store are courage…and what to say so I won’t look stupid!


Here are picture of the shirts I’m going to wear…I originally had issues planned for Friday and the kitty for Saturday; but then I came up with the idea for the custom shirt today (mock-up isn’t complete yet), so I don’t know which day I’m going to assign it to. (I’m going to stick to normal shirts for traveling…I just wanted a few cool ones to wear as I walk the floor!)


(Can’t get the images to stop sitting on top of each other…probably the site layout!)

I have the “mystery shirt” laid out, I just have to decide which artist I’m using for the image, and straighten up the wording when I have the picture placed. All I’m going to tell you is that it has to do with being a polyglot and a novelist. You’ll see soon. 😉


P.S.: Here’s an adorable shirt that didn’t make the cut due to not wanting to be “that fan”:


(I had to shrink it so it wouldn't kill the page…it's Pikachu-as-Raiden)

Peace in Washington!

After Months of Unrest, Peace Finally Returns to Washington

Mira Ame, ZNN Lead Anchor

 

Just when it seemed like the military government was going to be seated indefinitely, Governor General Oficial Inteligente announced this afternoon that the United States will shortly have a familiar face at the helm.

"I'm pleased to announce that former president Barack Obama has agreed to come back and be the first King of America," said the governor. "Details are still being worked out at this point, but a coronation date has been tentatively set for June 22."

Equally shocking, perhaps, is that the Bidens will not be returning to provide a balance to the rule of King Barack and Queen Michelle.

"I'm told Jill and Joe want a nice, quiet retirement," Inteligente replied when pressed. "His Grace would like to see Joe on his privy council, but after all he's done for this country, the king will almost certainly honor his best friend's request.

"They won't be able to slip quietly off into the darkness, however," the governor warned. "Don't be surprised if they're ennobled as Lord and Lady Biden, the Duke and Duchess of Virginia, or some such."

 

That, of course, wasn't enough for me; so I went to my favorite source–a DC insider–who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

Mira Ame: Many of my readers are excited at the idea that the previous administration is finally going to be punished for aiding and abetting a known traitor. How long do you think we'll have to wait before we see King Barack bring them to trial?

DC Insider: Longer than you might like, I'm afraid. The Joint Chiefs of Staff held onto the "Dictator Who Must Not Be Named" so that His Majesty could deal with him as he pleased. Look for General Inteligente and the others to direct the king's attention toward sentencing the Dictator as soon as possible.

MA: Is there any concern that the Dictator won't get a fair trial, or has that notion fallen by the wayside after he tried to sell the country to Russia?

DCI: As you may remember from his presidency, King Barack is a very fair man, so I imagine he'll abide by federal law. The problem I see there, however, is that the Dictator is entitled to a jury of his peers–and a jury of wealthy white men is likely to favor the Dictator and his policies.

MA: If you were in the king's position, how would you deal with that?

DCI: I would send him to the Court of International Crimes in the Netherlands. Trying people in The Hague has traditionally been reserved for war criminals; however, I don't believe he can get a neutral trial anywhere else.

MA: Is there anything we should be concerned about as the country transitions to a monarchy?

DCI: There are going to be a lot of drastic changes to the Constitution in order to put this through, including a convention in each state lasting long enough to ratify everything. The only readers of yours that have to worry are those that are serving in Congress–I expect their veto powers will be put on hold for a time to prevent any Republicans from trying to get revenge on their new king.

MA: How long?

DCI: Maybe six months? (He shakes his head.) Believe me when I say that the military isn't going to allow anything drastic to stick around very long. I haven't had a chance to talk to General Inteligente's aide this week, but I believe she and the other Joint Chiefs want this monarchy to run as close to the presidency as possible–just with a few tweaks here and there. If King Barack steps out of line, the military government will be right on his ass, ready to take him down if necessary.

MA: What about those who gave up their citizenship in the wake of the Dictator ascending to power? Will they be welcomed back and forgiven their change of allegiance?

DCI: Some have already applied to return, or at least to become dual citizens. I have a friend who said that one application caught her eye…I can't remember what she said the name was, but he played Dexter's dad?

MA: Oh, James Remar! I didn't know he moved.

DCI: My understanding is that he left for Ireland to remarry and never came back. I think his wife may be an academic of some sort, because my friend said that his application was to be processed immediately, but there was about an eight month hold on hers.

MA: Do you think his celebrity status will bring him an advantage?

DCI: I'm glad we're speaking on the condition of anonymity, Mira, because to be completely honest, being a character actor doesn't get you anywhere. (And we both know Mr. Remar's publicist would have my ass for that–if she knew who I was!) With a guy like him, most people say, "WHO?" when you bring up his name. Now if you had someone like Johnny Depp–who lives in France, remember–he's a big name and he has been for years. If I were a bigshot, I would definitely prioritize his application for reinstatement because having him be the first one in would make me and my department look very good.

MA: I didn't know Depp had given up his citizenship.

After that, I couldn't get any more out of him on the subject of King Barack–or what the new Mrs. Remar's request for delay on her citizenship reinstatement had to do with her being an academic.

 

I'll be back in DC in the coming weeks to get the scoop on the coronation plans and some exclusive interviews with Malia's classmates on how they feel about her becoming a princess.

Until then, watch this space!


Turn the page for an exclusive on what would happen if the Dictator escaped federal custody–and which countries don't have extradition treaties with the Kingdom of America!

Costumes or Comedy?

It's that time again! Parade of Nations…let's go!

No Egypt, Ireland or Greece this year, though…boo. Also, I hope the pictures will hold up this time–I went to look at the last round of critiques and most of them were missing! (Cosmo provided this round.)


America called–we want our pheasants back! [Argentina]

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Are…are you that desperate for tourism, Aruba?

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This almost made the No Words list. But I have words.

A scene from The Sound of Music, Austria?! What the heck were you thinking?!

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Dear Parrot: please keep your Belize at home. Oops! I mean…

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Every year, someone thinks they have to be a sexy crow. This year, it's Brazil.

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Daya’s Playbook

"Like, OMIGAWD! I can't believe I won prom queen! the presidency!"

"I know, right? Like, how crazy is that?"

*girly squealing and jumping around*

"Wait! I'm, like, president? What am I, like, supposed to do next?"

 

Sadly, that's not a bit of the next Legally Blonde movie, it's the functional equivalent of what's going on in Manhattan right now as You Know Who and his buddies try to get a handle on "this president thing". (Besides, let's be honest with ourselves: even without having served as a congressional page in the second movie, Elle Woods is still way more qualified for the presidency!)


After I crawled into bed yesterday morning, I thought, "Who would I want in my cabinet?"

See, the first thing you have to learn about Capricorns is that most of us are organizers. I mean, I can go off into Leoland sometimes (I'm a Leo ascendant), but if I'm passionate about something, watch out for the fragging sea goat!

Seriously. Within forty-eight hours after the end of the election, I'd probably have a spreadsheet indicating who I wanted to call up, why I want them, when I made the phone call, and what they said in response. NONE OF THIS WILLY-NILLY EATING OF THIRTY-TWO DOLLAR HAMBURGERS!!!

You can laugh (I am), but it's true! I would've celebrated with a nice dinner as soon as I'd gotten a sufficient amount of sleep after the election, then sat down to work.

 

If you guessed I'd call Hillary up first…not quite. I'd call her second. She's a former first lady, former senator, and former secretary of state–it would be extremely foolish not to have her on my transition team, at the very least.

(Plus, she would probably have ideas on who to call next…see below.)

(Pardon a random line here…trying to get my pictures to line up neatly can be a headache sometimes…)

 

If you remembered that I'm from Michigan and suspect that I might have called on Jennifer Granholm (Michigan's first and only female governor) after I drifted back into consciousness, give yourself 39,357 points. You rock!

Surely her experience as governor would be a valuable asset when I'm starting out as president-elect. Plus, she and Hillary would probably have some more suggestions for cabinet members outside of "every female (Democratic) governor since 2000 and all the men who submit letters of interest and their resumes"

(Yes, I really laid there and thought about all that!)

 

In case you're wondering who would be on that list (including all those whose terms ended 2000 or later):

(I realize some of these women left their posts for cabinet positions in the first place, so in some cases, they'd be staying in or returning to former spots)

I can’t hear myself think…

Sorry for dropping this in here, but I felt like I ought to–despite the fact that it belongs in my diary and is sort of doing exactly what I despair.


I wish I could believe that the world is not going to end, but I cannot convince myself of that. The media and the backlash are so loud that I repeatedly forget that Barack Obama is still our president until approximately 11:59a on January 20¹.  And that’s an incredible disservice to him, you know, for all the things he’s done for us and the love he’s shown us. It's a shame, really.

Would I still leave if I had the means to do so? Absolutely. Past Republican victories have been disappointing; this is on the order of signing a four-year lease to hell. More than that, I could hear myself think. After all, once I hear the latest decisions of the Dáil (or the Seanad)² and learn that it’s going to be a blissful 18°C tomorrow, what need have I for the international news?


Also, for those who missed it the other day, I said the following on Twitter:

I cried this morning because I'm afraid of losing Medicaid, Medicare, and Social Security. My disability victory is now in the trash. #NotMyPresident

And–although I loathe to give this loser space–some asshole had the audacity to retweet/reply:

I cheered this morning because now maybe the freeloaders abusing programs like Medicare and Social Security will be sent beyond The Wall.

Since I couldn't help but feel like that was directed specifically at me (and not necessarily entirely at illegal immigrants), I said the following just before I blocked him:

I wish you every bit of the abuse, depression, panic disorder and bullshit I have suffered since the age of twelve. You deserve it.

Then, to emphasize my point, I pinned the following to my feed (this is the Facebook version):

Somebody said earlier that he hopes Medicare and Social Security will be eliminated, so that "freeloaders" (like me) will be "sent over the wall".

Really? We're deporting seventh generation WHITE GIRLS now? That's news

But hey, I'll leave quietly…just pay for my plane ticket, hand me €5,000 and please ask PM Kenny to have my citizenship ready? Thanks, luv! •sarcastic kisses•

"PM Kenny" being Prime Minister (Taoiseach) Enda Kenny of Ireland, of course.

Do I really think I'm in danger of being deported? About as much as I think €5,000 is sufficient to start my new life! But you know me when I get angry…

 

 

¹ I have no idea when the oath is administered during the inauguration ceremony–I just put that in there because it's my diary and I didn't care to look it up!

² The Seanad is the Irish Senate and the Dáil Eireann is the Irish House.

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