I get the idea of “Zombie Jesus”–or at least I think I do. And I can see how it’s amusing…and fits right in with the zombie zeitgeist. But Jesus was definitely not a zombie.
(Since I’m not Christian, let’s call this the “Temperance Brennan defense” instead of the “religious defense”.)
I’m not into zombies, but as far as I know, they:
- Have a putrid smell
- Have a low intelligence quotient*
- Tend to fall apart after about half a dozen steps
Based on what I know of the bible, Jesus didn’t fall apart after a half a dozen steps. Or at all, despite the several days he spent with his followers after rising from the tomb. His intelligence and personality seemed to remain intact and I doubt he stunk any more than anyone else did at that time, owing to the amount of baths they may or may not have taken. (I get the idea that even at that time, Jews were into bathing, especially for purification reasons, so they probably didn’t stink very often.)
And most importantly? Even if zombies were real, I doubt they’d get into the Christian heaven (or any of the paradises of any of the other religions), owing to their unfortunate penchants for cannibalism. And Jesus got zapped back into heaven after he was done with his post-resurrection ministry.
So there we go.
* The exception to this is Camille, from the Sienna Miller movie of the same name. She started falling apart at one point and she may have stunk somewhat, but she retained her intelligence, personality and overall appeal throughout the entire story.
Each August, Beloit College puts out a list to help college professors get into the mindset of the incoming class. I always read it, because I find it fascinating.
Below is the list for the class of 2008–those who graduated high school with me…
(Comments by me in red)
- Most students entering college this fall were born in 1986. Check!
- Desi Arnaz, Orson Welles, Roy Orbison, Ted Bundy, Ayatollah Khomeini and Cary Grant have always been dead. So have Lucille Ball and Ted Knight. I discovered the other day that Ted passed away on August 26, 1986. Lucy didn’t pass away ’til 1989, but she died early enough that we wouldn’t remember her being alive.
- “Here’s Johnny!” is a scary greeting from Jack Nicholson, not a warm welcome from Ed McMahon. No, it’s always been the latter for me. I’ve never seen The Shining.
- The Energizer bunny has always been going, and going, and going. Yes. Yes, he has.
- Large fine-print ads for prescription drugs have always appeared in magazines. I don’t remember.
- Photographs have always been processed in an hour or less. Actually, I don’t remember the drug store downtown having one hour processing until I was partway through elementary school.
- They never got a chance to drink 7-Up Gold, Crystal Pepsi, or Apple Slice. I’ve only ever heard of Crystal Pepsi.
- Baby Jessica could be a classmate. I don’t even know who “Baby Jessica” is.
- Parents may have been reading The Bourne Supremacy or It as they rocked them in their cradles.
- Alan Greenspan has always been setting the nation’s financial direction. Check two.
- The U.S. has always been a Prozac nation.
- They have always enjoyed the comfort of pleather.
- Harry has always known Sally.
- They never saw Roseanne Rosannadanna live on Saturday Night Live. I didn’t even know who that was until I was an adult.
- There has always been a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
- They never ate a McSub at McD’s. There was a McSub? Awesome.
- There has always been a Comedy Channel.
- Bill and Ted have always been on an excellent adventure.
- They were never tempted by smokeless cigarettes.
- Robert Downey, Jr. has always been in trouble.
- Martha Stewart has always been cooking up something with someone.
- They have always been comfortable with gay characters on television.
- Mike Tyson has always been a contender.
- The government has always been proposing we go to Mars, and it has always been deemed too expensive.
- There have never been any Playboy Clubs. I didn’t know there were any in the first place, ’til they started advertising the show…
- There have always been night games at Wrigley Field.
- Rogaine has always been available for the follicularly challenged.
- They never saw USA Today or the Christian Science Monitor as a TV news program. Really? That’s pretty crazy.
- Computers have always suffered from viruses.
- We have always been mapping the human genome.
- Politicians have always used rock music for theme songs.
- Network television has always struggled to keep up with cable.
- O’Hare has always been the most delay-plagued airport in the U.S.
- Ivan Boesky has never sold stock.
- Toll-free 800 phone numbers have always spelled out catchy phrases.
- Bethlehem has never been a place of peace at Christmas.
- Episcopal women bishops have always threatened the foundation of the Anglican Church.
- Svelte Oprah has always dominated afternoon television; who was Phil Donahue anyway?
- They never flew on People Express. Never heard of that airline. (That’s what that is, right?)
- AZT has always been used to treat AIDS.
- The international community has always been installing or removing the leader of Haiti.
- Oliver North has always been a talk show host and news commentator. Who’s Oliver North?
- They have suffered through airport security systems since they were in strollers.
- They have done most of their search for the right college online. I went with whatever schools I knew of. I didn’t know a third of the schools in Michigan existed until I’d already tried Western.
- Aspirin has always been used to reduce the risk of a heart attack.
- They were spared the TV ads for Zamfir and his panpipes. Who was that?
- Castro has always been an aging politician in a suit.
- There have always been non-stop flights around the world without refueling.
- Cher hasn’t aged a day.
- M.A.S.H. was a game: Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House. No, I’m afraid MASH was a show for me, first.
I’ve been thinking of looking up a list of stuff that happened the year I was born…that might be a future blog.
Choose a musical artist and use titles from his/her repertoire to answer the following questions.
Pick Your Artist: Enya
Are you male or female? Miss Clare Remembers
Describe yourself: Wild Child
How do you feel about yourself? Hope Has a Place
Describe your current dating situation: Water Shows the Hidden Heart
I’m in love with Jamie, deep within my heart.
Describe where you currently live: Shepherd Moons
I thought that was an apt way to describe living in the country.
If you could go anywhere: La Soñadora
Your favorite form of transportation: Drifting
Enya doesn’t have any songs about flying (as far as I know).
Your best friend(s): Amarantine
Amaranth is a long-lasting flower.
Your favorite color is: Caribbean Blue
No songs about black/silver here.
Favorite time: On My Way Home
I sometimes daydream on the drive home.
What life is to you: Long, Long Journey
What is the best advice you have to give? Paint the Sky with Stars
That had to be probably the hardest question. What else could I say?
If you could change your name, what would it be? I disqualified myself from this question, having already changed my name.
Thought for the day: Someone Said Goodbye
Referring to David Carradine’s death.
How I would like to die: To Go Beyond
My soul’s present condition: If I Could Be Where You Are
Dreaming of Jamie, of course.
I SWORE I wasn’t going to do this…I lied.
1. I legally changed my name when I was 21.
2. I have been some sort of Pagan since I was 11, but I wasn’t allowed to leave the Catholic church until I was 18. (I have a second cousin who is a Southern Baptist minister…he would probably have a heart attack if he found out!)
3. I’m nearly ready to submit the essay that would promote me from Bard to Ovate in the Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids. (But I’m not going to continue after that…I’m not “feelin’ it”.)
4. I am the official number one fan of a semi-famous magician.
5. I made it through 22 years without needing glasses of any sort…in a family where almost EVERYONE wears them.
6. I like older men, but doubt I will marry very much more than eight years my senior.
7. My secret weakness is/are Latinos. (I’m hardwired to think that the vast majority are handsome and I think watching the Alma awards is a lot of fun because of it!)
8. I want one daughter, whose name will be Isis. Her middle name will either be Lirio or Sohrae (or both) and she will take my surname. (I have known this since the age of eight.) If I have a boy, his name will be Edouard Andreu and he will have his father’s surname.
9. I intend to publish more than a few books in my lifetime, even if they are with a “vanity publisher” like iUniverse or Lulu.
10. I secretly wish that two or three of my books will eventually be made into movies. 11. I’m going to school to be a Naturopathic physician/midwife and it feels like it takes 20-30 minutes to tell everyone that, because I can’t quit going into detail!
12. I would push for licensing for Naturopathic physicians in the state of Michigan if I had the patience and if I knew I had a couple people backing me up.
13. I have been vacillating on living in Las Vegas for 5+ years. 14. I dated a swing musician briefly–he looks older than he really is, causing everyone I knew to think I was dating a 38-year-old. (I met his father and he was DEFINITELY not the father of a 38-year-old!)
15. I’ve owned my own cemetery plot since I was 18.
16. I was once under consideration for a supporting role in Spider-Man 3.
17. I don’t like (studying) Oriental Medicine…it gives me “Teflon brain”.
18. I briefly considered being a funeral director. (I never told my current boss…I was going to surprise him with the fact after I graduated.)
19. My dream of owning a dance studio disappeared when I failed my audition for the dance program at Western Michigan University.
20. I am SO obsessed with an actor that I’ve watched a commercial of his more than 20 times in two weeks (between television and YouTube). (I’ve seen some pretty weird roles of his, because of it.)
21. I decided not to go into teaching because I knew I couldn’t stand a classroom full of children.
22. My mother thinks I should be a geologist, my father thinks I should be a massage therapist and my maternal grandmother thinks I should be a computer technician. (I think that the gods think that I’m already on the right path!)
23. I passed the Travel Agent Proficiency exam in 2006 and would require only six months in the field to be eligible for the Certified Travel Agent exam.
24. I think it would be cool to be fluent in Spanish and proficient in at least one other language.
25. I’m crossing my fingers that I pass the pre-interview and end up in dealer school this summer!