I crave your pardon in advance if I’ve already told this story. I think I’ve shared it in bits and pieces over the years (and mentioned a little on my bibliography page), but do not believe I’ve ever posted the entire story at once.
When I was in high school, I dated a guy named Kyle1 through the end of his senior year and the start of his time in community college. Kyle was taking a media issues and television production class with Professor Parker2, whom he got to chatting with one day and confessed his love for the work of director Sam Raimi. It turned out that the professor knew Dr. Octavius at Michigan State, who’d had Sam in class many years ago, so Professor Parker put Kyle and the doctor in touch. To Kyle’s great joy, Dr. Octavius still talked to Sam from time to time and promised to get Kyle an interview with him the next time he came back to Michigan3.
Not the real Professor Parker and Doctor Octavius. Sorry, y’all.
I want to say, “I don’t know why I said this”, but I do know. I said it, but I also thought there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell that it was going to happen.
I had the audacity to say, “Maybe you should ask Sam if I can be in one of his future movies.”
And Kyle had the temerity to do it.
I need to step back from the story a minute, because I believe it’s important to tell you: I have absolutely no reason to believe Kyle was lying to me. Not then, not ever.7
First, because he was deeply in love with me. If I had loved him in return, we would’ve been married several years ago, and his children would also be mine.
Second, I made him tell me the number he was calling, and my friends and I have both verified that it belongs/belonged to Renaissance Pictures (Sam’s production company). It wasn’t some audio spoof that Kyle set up somehow—not only is he not that clever, but the calls I mentioned happened at random times over several years, making it difficult to maintain a phone number and recording for that long. (Plus, this went down in 2001—before the era of Skype, Google Voice and a zillion other such apps.)4
Not that that explanation makes it sound any less crazy when I say “they agreed”.
When Kyle called the first time, he spoke to someone who claimed he was Grant Curtis (pictured with co-producer Laura Ziskin), Sam’s assistant.5, 6 Despite having no demo reel, no resume, no headshot, no audition video or screentest, “Grant” claimed they could use me in the third movie as the Green Goblin‘s long-lost daughter. (I don’t know how they’d stretch the following story out so far, but I wasn’t thinking in terms of that at the time.)
The story would go that—ever paranoid—Norman Osborn had prepared for the event of his death by not trusting his son (Harry) with his fortune. (Nice father, right? But if you’ve seen the Raimi movies, you know this is normal.) Instead, ownership of his company and all his assets reverted to the sister Harry never knew he had, and it would be up to Harry to track her down if he wanted his inheritance. Nothing was ever decided on whether he’d know how to find her, only that she was living in Australia (which I later asked to be changed to Ireland).
I also recall submitting a list of names from which they could choose a forename and middle, and they settled on Ophelia Rhiannon. (I’d hoped they’d settle on Ophelia…it looks So Very Proper next to her brother’s name.)
He could've been my first movie daddy. Seriously.
Sidebar: if you’ve seen the Amazing Spider-Man movies, you’ll know that Asher8 was involved in the Spiderverse, however briefly. We’ll get to that momentarily. He deserves his own separate rant, after all.
2020 sidebar: and rant it shall be, because my note to myself reads (profanity intact): I am NOT KILLING OFF ASHER, so you can STICK THAT IN YOUR FUCKING PIPES AND SMOKE IT, BITCHES!
But here’s where my memory gets fuzzy, since this was 2001 or so.
I know they stalled.
They eventually decided they were “going a different way” and they didn’t want me anymore.
Most people would give up, but you can’t give a novelist a storyseed and expect her to ignore it because of copyright.
At least not if you’re me!
Page 2: Ophelia, a revision of Ophelia and Sevens
(+ “No, I’m not killing my Hollywood crush!”)
(I’m making these a link now, so you don’t have to look for the tiny pagination.)
1Name changed to one of his favorite characters (Modern Age version, according to Wiki) less to protect his identity and more because his real name is boring. Plus, I had a long-term crush on a guy whose name was actually Kyle, so it kind of all fits?
2I don’t know these professors’ real names, so I’m using Spider-Man characters.
3Sam grew up in Michigan, and one of his brother is an emergency room doctor in the Detroit area. The other is a frequent guest star in his movies.
4During the course of writing this, I realized that I’d never asked Kyle if he ever lied to me. So I finally did, and he said no. Which I believe, because—as I said before— I know he loved me.
5That doesn’t make too much sense now when you check his IMDb page and discover that he wasn’t credited as Sam’s assistant back then; but you could also argue that it was meant as “assistant producer” or some such, and you’d be partially correct.
6Kyle spoke a few times with another gentleman who said he was Grant’s assistant, but I can’t remember which times anymore, so I’m leaving him out.
7The numbers got mucked up because I started this in 2018 and didn’t want to rearrange them when I came back to work on this in 2020. Anyway, I found out in 2019 that he was lying and had possibly lied to me by the time I started this post. But probably not about this. (If anyone was lying it was someone on the other end to him.)
8I have such a massive crush that it renders me into painful shyness…to the point where I don’t want to say that I have a crush on Chris Cooper. So I call him by a nickname; or rather, the name I came up with for a storyseed after I discovered my affections. His character’s name was Asher, and it stuck—especially when I discovered that the Hindi word for “blessing” is aasheervaad. (And my Patroness is a Hindu goddess, so it fits. 😉 )
Almost three years ago (has it been that long already?), I wrote an entry about women I thought were more beautiful than Julia Roberts. (Remember the blue squares? I’m more of a rectangle now, thanks to medication-induced weight gain, but a blue 2D shape I am still!) Three ladies have been downgraded to honorable mention and I’ve discovered a new “pretty”, but the rest are still there. (I don’t know why I try for a certain order…they each have their special qualities!)
Oh and the previously mentioned gentleman? He gets a special entry of his own. 😉
Note: some of the photos are repeats from last time; partially because some of those included are slightly obscure and partially because of them are too good not to repeat.
Note 2: these photos were redone in 2017 after the links were broken, so the commentary may not match the picture in question.
Irina Pantaeva: Ah, aging…how cruel thou art! Irina was my age when Mortal Kombat II came out, so of course she looked lovely! But I still think this photo is stellar and couldn’t leave her out.
(Irina hasn’t done anything since 2002.)
Maddie Hasson: should be twenty-one this year! It sounds like she took a little time off to finish her education…good for her.
(Maddie’s next big project is I Saw the Light, wherein she plays Billie Jean, Hank Williams’s second wife–to Tom Hiddleston’s Hank!)
Jennifer Leann Carpenter: don’t you just love that photo? ♥
I think I fell in love with her during Dexter, so it kind of fizzled when the series ended (and maybe a little before).
(Jen has been doing various small projects since the end of Dexter.)
Sofía Margarita Vergara y Vergara: I have a hard time deciding whether I think Sofia is pretty. She’s bloody freaking funny though (even when she’s talking about everyday things…must be that Baranquilla accent!), so she definitely deserves to be in the honorable mentions!
(I’m too lazy to check and see if she’s done anything recently outside of Modern Family.)
The Hot List
7. Heidi Klum: Ugh, I haven’t seen my German darling in so long! (It doesn’t help that I don’t watch Ellen very much anymore.) And I was super sorry to hear all that crap Seal said about her when they divorced. (As Stephanie Tanner used to say, “How rude!“)
You know what I look forward to each year? Heidi’s Samhain costume. She is the Queen of Halloween!
(I just remembered where I get to see her! The upcoming season of America’s Got Talent–probably starting in May! WOOHOO!)
6. Alison Elizabeth Larter: You know what’s tragic? I think I heard a while back that Ali’s not interested in coming back for Heroes: Reborn. I’m delighted to pieces that Jack is back (and was the first one announced!), but I’ll miss Ali’s lovely face on my screen. 🙁
(Ali was most recently on Legends.)
5. Sandra Annette Bullock: I claim to be a big Sandy fan, but I actually wrote her out of an upcoming book!
It was hard to do…I mean, when do I not want one of my favorites in one of my novels? But while she made an excellent counter to Stana’s kickass nature, I just couldn’t imagine her in a combat zone. (Maybe I need to watch her in more dramas?) This is actually the second time I’ve replaced her and honestly, I’m not sure this one will stick, either. (I think Emily Blunt is “grand altogether”, to borrow an Irish phrase; but I also think I’ve fallen in love with how Sandy and Stana play off each other–or could, if they were in a movie.)
I look forward to “seeing” Sandy in Minions this summer–clichéd catchphrase and all.
4. María José “Cote” de Pablo y Fernandez: Okay, just…yum.
Maybe I didn’t notice her Goddess-given beauty when she was busy taking the baddies down during NCIS, but I’m paying attention now and she’s just…eye candy. Too bad I already have a “if I was a lesbian, this would be my dream girlfriend” picked out. (*giggle*)
(Cote was most recently on the Dovekeepers. [Which was rather disappointing. *sigh*])
3. Mariska Magdolna Hargitay: (Or, as I affectionately call her, “Mishka”.)
Mishka probably ended up higher on this list than last time because I watched a few episodes of SVU on Sunday, but…she’s so lovely. She’s such a strong, tenacious woman and–let’s face it–without Cote (and excluding Stana), Mishka is the most kickass woman on television. I like women who literally kick ass, but there’s something about a woman who uses her mind and words–much like Olivia Benson–that is very appealing. (To that end, I wish they’d had an SVU/CI crossover when Criminal Intent was still on the air. I would’ve liked to see Olivia Benson paired off with Vincent D’Onofrio’s Robert Goren.)
As a point of interest, I almost had a double replacement for Sandy–Emily and Mishka. But I decided it was too awkward and–after an impromptu Facebook vote–made Emily her replacement. I can hear Mishka’s calm, patient “Benson voice” in my head when I work on my latest story seed, however, so I think she’ll have a character in there, instead. (I hear the Benson voice when the main character is talking, but Mishka would play the assistant head of the council [Margarene] if there was a movie.)
(Mishka doesn’t appear in much outside of SVU.)
2. Amber Rose Revah: Have you been waiting for a new addition to the Hot List? Well, she’s it. 😉
I’d love to start this off with my usual “she’s so beautiful!” spiel, but–unfortunately–I have to start off with a complaint. You see, there’s a white gal out there who goes by the name of “Amber Rose” (I think she’s a stripper or some such, so that may be a stage name) that has been fighting with the “Kar-trash-ians” and people (MTV included, apparently) don’t look before they tweet, so my wonderful Amber (who is English and clearly not white) gets a lot of bullshit and lewd comments meant for the swamp slut. Horrible. (People should really pay attention before they say things…that’s why I always double-check the handle of the celebrity I’m referring to before tweeting.)
Anywho…as I’ve said before, I fell in love with her while watching The Bible and Son of God, so when my (former) sweetpea wasn’t onscreen, I still had something nice to look at. ^_^ | I like that the recent trend with Mary Magdalene is that no one is treating the…can I still say “character”? as a prostitute anymore, and that she’s turned out to be the disciple she was always meant to be. In fact, the one thing that caught my eye with Amber was not her lovely looks (mostly shrouded, due to her role), but the fact that her version of Maggie would never take guff from any of the other disciples. I really appreciate that Mark and Roma did that, and if they had at least brought Amber back for AD, I would’ve watched.
(Amber has a television show called Indian Summer coming out [if it isn’t already], but I haven’t heard whether they’ll ever carry it on BBC America.)
1. Stana Katic: Oh my…what’s left to say about my Croatian Cutie, this Golden Goddess of Television Heroines? (Save for the fact that I would change it to “Patron Saint of Television Heroines” were I still Christian.) Have I used up all my words about her yet? It may be hard for my loyal readers (the very few) to imagine, but I’m feeling Jamie levels of dry, here! (Oh, how about, “Why haven’t she and Nate Fillion started up a showmance already?!” Or maybe they have and just never publicised it.)
I’ll tell you one thing…I couldn’t convince myself to take her character (Sera Kent) out of Dark and Dirty Games. As I’ve mentioned before, the basic premise is that the Gamesmaster kills off the ones I love; so technically, my Ultimate GirlCrush shouldn’t even be in this novel. But my heart wouldn’t let my mind do it. I was going to compromise and have Sera killed off before the end, but when I slimmed the new Emily/Mishka duo down to one (don’t ask me what Mishka’s name was, but Em’s character is called “Evelyn Bennett”), I let myself out of the pact.
Let’s be honest: Sera will probably make it through the end unscathed, because I just love her too damn much to kill off her character. In fact, I really ought to have Sera save Nicholas or Alexander–she’s that important.
(Stana is still doing her thing on Castle, where she and Nate Fillion’s character are happily married. Or mostly.)
Remember last time, when I mentioned that this was partially inspired by “Creepy”?
Well, in three years, he’s been upgraded and/or promoted. Three times.
First, he went from Creepy to Trouble. It’s not just because he usually plays villains (I guess…he has so many credits on IMDb, he could make some of the A-listers blush. Like his sister!) and it’s definitely not that he’s sober, because if drugs were a problem, then there’d be an issue with Jamie. No, my best friend (when I had one) used to say “that’s just not on” and that’s exactly it. There’s something off with his energy or…something and he’s very much not on. So rather than struggle to put intuition into words, it’s just easier to call him Trouble. 😀
A few months ago, I decided I was in a love-hate relationship with him. (And he knows it very well. We’ve held short, strange conversations over the last three years and he’s been following me on twitter for a couple of months. Pretty sure he’s aware.) To be honest, he’s handsome and adorable in a strange little way. Quite frequently, I can convince myself to stay away; but other times? (Like now?) Pfft…forget it! He’s kind of like a caramel frappe from McDonald’s: delicious, but so not worth the calories. (Or the ice cream headache, come down to it.) Except I don’t mind watching him on television sometimes, because that’s a “calorie free zone”. (Only when we’re directly interacting do I have to worry.)
So now I’ve decided that I have a “pet weirdo”.
(And no, he doesn’t know. 😉 )
Hello, Eric Anthony Roberts. (evil laughter)
Now this is not my first pet weirdo…I just never decided to call Willem Dafoe (who I was a fan of for a short time in high school) my pet. I’m kind of glad him dumping Elizabeth LeCompte for Giada Colagrande made me dump him, so I wouldn’t feel obligated to watch Nymphomaniac and all the other weird shit he’s gotten into since he married Giada. (Although I should know from “weird shit”, given my current pet and his predilection for taking any role that ever comes his way!) (By the way, you don’t know how hard I’ve giggled every time “Mijn konijn heet Willem” comes up in my Dutch lessons, since that’s precisely who I think of! [That’s “My rabbit is called William” for you non-Dutch speakers.])
So what do you do with a pet weirdo?
Four thousand miles away makes it hard to love him and squeeze him and call him “George” (thank you, Looney Tunes)…and that’s actually his tamer-wife’s job, anyway. (*cackle*)
No, but I can write one novel where he’s a villain who is going to be killed after trying to assault me/Kaia and another where he’s…he’s…well, how do you describe someone who bought his way onto the Council after having an affair with the protagonist’s mother and sending her to a faraway sector? (Other than that?) (Oh and Tasivere has the hots for Sheiumoni-Lanai. Of course.)
And continue to come up with clever quips, such as, “That’s so wrong, it makes Eric Roberts look right!” 😀
And now, I give you the top ten reasons why I will not be watching the last two episodes of King of the Nerds…
10. Moo lost the Nerd-Off. (DUH!)
9. I don’t have cable or satellite, which means no TBS. And I’m getting tired of playing “dial-a-website” to find the latest episode, only to have it buffer like crazy.
8. I’m pretty sure the show doesn’t end with the announcement that CBS will be carrying King of the Nerds next year, thereby taking a load off my shoulders.
7. The show does not end with Calista announcing that she’s releasing a CD and working on a book covering the last fourteen years of her father’s life.
6. The show does not end with a major publishing company offering me a contract.
5. The show does not end with the announcement that Bobby, Curtis and Moo are appearing on the Big Bang Theory before the end of the season. (Unless it does? LOL)
4. The show does not end with the announcement that James Remar has upcoming appearances on both NCIS and the Big Bang Theory.
3. The show does not end with the shocking announcement that David did not die, followed by the Nerdvana medics rushing Bobby to the hospital.
2. The show does not end with James Remar proposing marriage to me.
1. The rest of the cast did not drop dead and the crown was not placed upon Dr. Moogega Cooper’s head.
Alas, some of those are not as silly as I hoped they would be.
It’s been fun, everyone! Take care of yourselves and maybe I’ll see you on a book tour one day!
I don’t have very many critiques this week, because the nerds had a lot of professional help and–as quite often happens–the Nerd-Off was a matter of luck, not studying. So it will probably be short.
I liked both songs…they were each catchy in their own way. (I can also tell how good they were by the fact that they kept jumbling in my mind! I’d hear the hook to “Nerds are King” while the instrumental of “Talk Nerdy to Me” was playing in the background, for example.) And my girlcrush on Moo is definitely growing bigger, because not only did I think she was hot in her rap clothes (*embarrassed giggle*), but I think my favorite part of the whole song experience was her rap. <3
I definitely think that the Nerd-Off was fair and balanced. The trivia ones, you had to study for and if you didn’t study the right way, you were out of luck. The other challenges were based around luck, but also on dexterity (like when Brandon lost because he couldn’t control his golf cart). But this one was definitely balanced–you could either imitate what was on the screen or you couldn’t. No subjectivity about it.
I’m sorry to see Virgil go, but I can’t say I think it wasn’t inevitable. Yes, I wanted Danielle and Ivan to go, but I also knew that–despite how potentially wonderful Blextrophy’s song would be–it was almost certain they would lose, in which case Virgil would lose the Nerd-Off. I’m truly amazed at how much Viv doubted herself. Yes, she’d had very little experience with the game; but as I said before, it’s a matter of whether you can imitate the screen, not chance, not luck and not hinging upon studying.
Based on the fact that we’re in the merge and this week’s theme is “Enginerds”, we’ll probably see everyone building their own robot or something. The preview photo on Facebook looked like something was going to be blown up, and I definitely saw glass being broken in the preview at the end of last week’s show!
I have no idea what they’re going to do for the final week, because the episode title is “A King is Crowned”. Should be interesting!
Good luck to everyone trying out for next season! I wish I had the chops to join you!
Randomness of the Week — Six Degrees
(Garfunkel and Oates star) Kate Micucci <on Raising Hope with> Martha Plimpton <daughter of> Keith Carradine <older brother of> Robert Carradine…
I know I keep saying that this doesn’t work in the Carradine family, but fuck if I don’t love this British/Irish/Aussie phrase…
AND BOB’S YOUR UNCLE!
Since I can’t think of a witty opening this week, I’m going to start off by saying, “I don’t have a high intelligence quotient.” (At least as far as I know. I took a test once, but I’m pretty sure the proctor never contacted my parents with the score, or my mother would’ve told me.) (Besides, who gives those tests out of their home?!) Now, if “IQ” stood for “imagination quotient”, my number might be rather high. I may not be a famous, best-selling author like Stephen King or Suzanne Collins (yet!), but I knew that I had a huge, vivid imagination even before a psychic told me so last month. (Both my mothers and more than a few of my friends have mentioned it, and I may have even had an inkling when I was a little girl. After all, what better company can an only child have than her own mind?)
But I’ve drifted. Off to this week’s game.
While I’ve never solved a Rubix cube (the only person I’ve seen do it other than Celeste re-stuck some of the stickers–she claimed it was necessary), the puzzle element reminded me of those…ah…I think you’d call them “spatial reasoning” tests that some employers give you. (When they get into complicated figures, pattern sequences and algebra, it makes you wish for the personality tests of old…and wondering what the hell it has to do with retail!) If I was in the mix, I’d probably stand back and allow someone like Celeste to take the lead; but if I really had to, I’d try to figure it out. If I can manage those spatial reasoning puzzles with a bit of thinking, surely those cubes wouldn’t be too hard.
My heartmom (yes, I converted her!) mentioned Thursday night that SFO crowded Moo when she was trying to solve the Sudoku puzzle. While the crowding wasn’t quite as bad as I imagined, I do agree that the good doctor should have been left alone. She solves those puzzles for relaxation, for the sake of the Goddess! What the hell did y’all think you were doing, getting in her way?! I though Rob’s reaction to the teams going through the fountain was funny. Yes, one would think that the teams would go around the fountain, especially since they wouldn’t have to worry about crashing into each other, but who says nerds have to be logical?! *giggle*
The big topic of the week seemed to be “drunk Moo”. (Okay, so that’s all Doc seemed to be tweeting about Thursday night. HA!) As someone who has only gotten drunk once in her life (in Ireland, of course), I can see where this might be a big deal. At least I know when I finally meet her that I can happily accept all the hugs she promises, but will have to politely deny any alcohol that isn’t prepackaged. I may not like Josh, but I’m going to trust him when he says Moo makes a kickass drink!
I think this is the first week where I’ve had no idea what the Nerd-Off was ahead of time. While matching is a reasonable game that even I can handle, I’m used to viewing the board from above, as with traditional matching games. I’m not sure how well I would’ve done with the puzzle at eye-level and the Gauntlet of Distraction was–as promised–quite distracting. (I would’ve muttered Kan’non wa watashi o tasukete!* when I was heading for the sumo!) That being said, the funniest part of this week’s episode was Josh being tossed around like a rag doll, especially since he had the audacity to claim he was immovable! Hey Josh…how ’bout you have a few dozen bowls of chanko-nabe** and come back and try that again, hm?
Now that we’re more than halfway through competition, it’s time for the unenviable task: running down who should be in the final four. So I don’t play favorites, I’m going to take the remaining competitors in alphabetical order.
Celeste Anderson: My heartmom pointed out that she doesn’t think Celeste has any real talents other than solving cubes. Whether or not this is actually true, I still like Celeste. She has a certain no se por que and she might surprise us with her abilities in the end.
Danielle Mackey: I’ve developed a bit of a love/hate relationship with Danielle. I thought she was a decent player at first, but now there is just something about her that is getting on my nerves. If she has to go to the end, fine, so be it…I’m certainly not going to cry foul over it. But otherwise, let’s see her out in week seven.
Genevieve Pearson: has pep and drive. I can’t point out any specific reason why she should be in the final, yet I can’t readily pinpoint a weakness that might make her an ineffective competitor for the crown, either. (I only recently realized she’s a fellow novelista. If she has books, I’d like to read them!)
Ivan Van Norman: As much as I’m disinclined to see SFO lose for three weeks straight, some serious paring needs to be done in order to have the best team for the final four. Although I would settle for week seven, I would like to see Ivan out next week. He is becoming progressively cockier as the weeks go on and I am surprised at the temerity he demonstrated when he visited Blextrophy’s sleeping chamber to demand whether they felt that he was truly the right choice for this week’s Nerd-Off. Not only that, but if he is allowed to stay, he will continue to attempt to form new alliances behind everyone’s backs–and that is something that cannot be permitted.
Moogega Cooper: I have a “womance” going on with Moo. Do I really need to defend her? I don’t think so. I’m just going to say that I don’t like the fact that the good doctor was mentioned as a possibility for the Nerd-Off this week, but that I find it necessary for her to be mentioned (and possibly even put at risk) if I intend to see her take the crown at the end of the game.
Virgil Griffith: I stand by my earlier statement that while screwing Viv over wasn’t the best idea in the world, the whole issue got blown out of proportion in the end. Virgil has worked hard to redeem himself in the past few weeks and has done an excellent job of blending into the background lately. I agree with my heartmom that an all-female final would be great, but if I had my way, I would choose Virgil over Danielle to go all the way to the end.
Your thoughts on the final four are welcome. Hit me up at @DayaRyelle on Twitter…or if you’re really lucky, I might answer you at my new Tumblr. 😉
*”Kannon help me!” (Kannon is more popularly known as Kwan Yin)
**The protein rich stew famously consumed by sumo.